Last August, Kacy, a 25-year-old in Los Angeles (whose name has been changed for anonymity), was flying back from a work trip, feeling excited to be reunited with her then-boyfriend. After getting into a small fight over text – something to do with his ex-girlfriend and Instagram – he refused to pick her up from the airport. Then he just disappeared. One week of space became a month and then a year of no response. “I drove by his house and saw he was there,” she says. “I didn’t knock or anything; I just needed to know he was purposely and willingly not talking to me.” When she bumped into him in the grocery store months later, Kacy says he turned pale and ran away. Without a relationship-ending conversation, she was left in limbo.
Kacy isn’t the only person to experience relationship death by multiple ‘delivered’ notifications. Brooke, a 31-year-old store manager in Michigan, got ghosted by her ex-fiance in 2023, resulting in the end of an almost six-year relationship. “I wanted answers, so I did my own investigating,” she says. “I found out that two weeks after telling me he ‘can’t live without me’, he shacked up with someone new, and they are currently engaged.” Across social media, more horror stories circulate of long-term ghosting, like live-in partners of two years just disappearing. In the comments, people alternate between calling it “stonewalling” or “being ghosted”, a term usually applied to casual dating experiences. But the impact of being ghosted within a relationship expands far beyond feeling ignored after a first date or frustrated when someone on an app takes over a week to reply. So, if you’re in Kacy or Brooke’s boat, here are some practical steps to get over a ghost.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Kayla Knoppmany people on the internet use the word “ghost” too freely. “It’s appropriate for someone in a casual interaction, like one date, to stop responding,” she says. “You don’t have any reasonable expectation that the person is committed to you or obligated to respond to you in any way.” Just like the phrase “they ghosted me” has become overused in the dating sphere today, people seem to be as confused about what constitutes as stonewalling versus ghosting. Within a relationship, stonewalling looks like one partner totally shutting down during conflict, says Knopp. “But then it ends as soon as the conflict is over,” she says.
According to Todd Baratz, a certified sex therapist and relationship expert, ghosting is a disappearance and a one-sided ending of a relationship, while stonewalling involves withdrawal but staying in the relationship. “These are two completely different experiences: ghosting leaves no room for resolution or closure, while stonewalling creates emotional distance but still allows for some form of ongoing connection, albeit strained,” he says. However, the difference does get murky in cases like Brooke’s, who experienced stonewalling throughout their relationship before their ultimate demise. In the years before her ex-fiance ghosted her for good, he would often disappear during fights for days before returning to the relationship. “Every time was the same,” she says. “A fight would happen; I’d beg, plead and cry, call hundreds of times, or text as if I were losing my sanity.”
You’ll torture yourself by trying to fully understand and uncover the “why” someone may have ghosted you (I attempted to speak to a ghost for this article, but they are notoriously hard to pin down), but Knopp says it’s often a result of people simply attempting to avoid a breakup conversation. “I think when some people want to end a relationship, they simply stop talking to their partner in the hopes they will end things,” she says. While this is undeniably a cruel way to initiate a breakup, the fact that we’re not good as a culture, especially amongst young people, at having emotionally difficult conversations is what allows ghosting culture to thrive, according to Knopp. It’s important then to reframe the conversation. “People ghost out of fear, lack of relational skills, and emotional immaturity,” says Baratz. “While it’s natural to personalise being ghosted, it’s a reflection of their inability to face something within themselves, and it often has nothing to do with the person being ghosted.”
People ghost out of fear, lack of relational skills, and emotional immaturity. While it’s natural to personalise being ghosted, it’s a reflection of their inability to face something within themselves – Todd Baratz
Brooke believes that new technology itself is fueling the ghosting fire. “You don’t have to look someone in the eye, and you don’t even have to offer a finger to wipe away a tear; you just have to hit a block button or leave them on delivered,” she says. “Why fix what you deem ‘broken’ at home or waste a second more of your time when a simple friend request gives you your shiny, new replacement?” Our comfortability with ghosting people within a more casual setting indeed may be making it more normalised across the board. “The rise of digital communication, both on and off dating apps, can give relationships, whether short or long, a more transient or less serious feel,” Baratz says. All of this to say, if you’re being ghosted by your partner, you can safely assume they no longer want to continue with the relationship, even without the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation that you deserve.
The concept of gaining “closure” after a breakup feels, to some extent, like folklore at this point – has anyone actually ever felt better from hearing that the love of their life doesn’t find them attractive anymore? Still, being ghosted by a long-term partner means grieving the relationship differently, under complete uncertainty. “Being ghosted by a long-term partner is deeply traumatic,” says Baratz. “While closure isn’t always necessary to move on, being ghosted after investing a significant amount of time and energy into a relationship is an especially painful experience.” That’s why ghosting recipients like Kacy encourage sending that one final message. “My therapist told me to send him a giant message of all the things unsaid and give him a timeline of when I’ll understand we’re moving forward, and it’s over if he doesn’t reply,” she says. “He never responded.”
The experience of being ghosted, whether it’s within a long-term relationship or under reasonable expectation of commitment, can trigger betrayal trauma for many people, says Knopp. “It’s important to accept that we’re never going to know their reasons, which is incredibly frustrating,” she says. “But the alternative of making up stories or diagnosing your partner, like labelling them a narcissist, isn’t helpful or healing”. With this in mind, Knopp recommends telling yourself your own story in a way that helps you find peace and healing. This will look different for everyone, but it can be anything that helps you process the relationship ending on your terms, like removing your rose-tinted glasses and facing the negative realities of the dynamic. “I think people say that you should block them or delete pictures and old texts to heal or move on, but that didn’t work for me,” Brooke says. “I needed to remember him and the relationship in its entirety, not just the good.”
Before being ghosted, Kacy experienced a long-term relationship that ended due to infidelity. She says, in hindsight, the ghosting impacted her trust and sense of self even more than cheating itself. “The effects have lasted longer and are still lingering,” she says. “I just can’t move past it.” Without any accountability from the other side, Baratz says that the sudden disconnection from an attachment can trigger a range of emotions, including anxiety and mistrust in future relationships. While this is perfectly natural (and understandable), facing those feelings head-on is how you move forward. “Therapy can be crucial, especially when dealing with the deep pain and trauma that comes after being ghosted from a long-term relationship,” says Baratz. “Refocusing on personal growth, learning to trust again, and healing from the emotional wounds are all key steps in recovery.” As with anything related to trust, this takes time, so give yourself some grace throughout the process.
Let’s start by saying that it’s not your fault you got ghosted. But, with that being said, it may be helpful to be aware of some potential warning signs for future reference. As it turns out, stonewalling during conflict is one of those. “If your partner is avoidant about communication, this often happens as part of a pursuit withdrawal cycle,” Knopp says. “This pattern tends to get more extreme: the more you pursue, the more they withdraw.” If this cycle sounds familiar, Knopp says it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker (and is relatively common), but it’s good to catch it early, pause, and get some help to communicate better as a couple. “The more open and safe communication you have in a relationship, the less likely you are to experience a partner totally shutting down,” she says.
The more open and safe communication you have in a relationship, the less likely you are to experience a partner totally shutting down.
For those looking to foster better conflict management, Baratz says it’s imperative to be proactive. Some conversation-starters could include: ‘How will we handle conflict when it arises?’ Or ‘What is our conflict style?’ If you have a healthy, loving partner, this should be met with curiosity and a willingness to work on more difficult areas of your relationship. If that, too, is met with avoidance, it’s worth considering it a red (or at least orange) flag. “We want to be the exception; we chalk it up to a rough patch, or we end up blaming ourselves to justify the unjustifiable,” says Brooke. “If someone is inconsistent, love yourself and value your time enough to walk away, and set string boundaries and stick with them. Don’t be afraid to be alone.”
