President Donald Trump signed an executive order requiring the full release of government documents related to the assassinations of former President John F. Kennedy and civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. What do you think? “I bet guns were used.” James Ortiz, Netting Reinforcer “I think they shot each other.” Erik Troya, Blimp Inspector […]
CENTENNIAL, CO—With a series of television ads that will run in all major media markets and feature dozens of bloated, wincing celebrities, industry trade group the National Beef Council debuted its new “You’re Supposed To Feel Like That” campaign on Friday. “If your stomach hurts and you feel sleepy, that just means the beef is […]
LOS ANGELES—Covertly checking her phone to see that 28 more minutes had passed, a visibly bored Kylie Jenner reportedly feigned a smile Friday as Timothée Chalamet continued playing the harmonica for her. “So cool, babe—you’re getting so good at that thing,” said the 27-year-old media personality, slowly nodding and blinking as her boyfriend of two […]
THE DOOMFUL BOG—Saying he felt humiliated by such a public betrayal of his trust, a monstrous abomination known as the Bog Freak told reporters Friday that he was devastated to have seen a movie depicting things he told filmmaker Guillermo del Toro in confidence. “I finally decided to watch The Shape Of Water after a […]
A study published in the journal Current Biology found that when one chimpanzee urinates, the others in a group are more likely to follow, a phenomenon called “contagious urination” that could have deep evolutionary roots in humans as well. What do you think? “I can’t believe some people are lucky enough to get paid to […]
Bad Bunny’s new album Debí Tirar Más Fotos has climbed to No. 1 on the Billboard charts, beating out Taylor Swift. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Birth Name: Craig Peterson Age: Whatever being born in 1994 makes you…maybe 22? Obligatory Kardashian Relationship Duty: Fulfilled Genre: Cross-algorithm Vocal Style: Unintelligibly drunk […]
WASHINGTON—Pointing to the mounting scientific evidence showing the risks of using such explosive devices, outgoing U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory this week in which he recommended adding cancer warning labels to all nuclear bombs. “Nuclear bombs can cause cancer anywhere they are detonated, yet far too few Americans understand the dangers of […]
DUBOIS, WY—Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. “Say what you will about it, there’s pretty much no problem in my life that can’t be solved by lowering my head, charging forward, and smacking my […]
NEW YORK—Describing the time-tested method as a nearly guaranteed way of attracting a mate’s interest, a report released Thursday by Columbia University’s Department of Social Psychology found that the best pickup technique remained approaching a woman and saying “Ditch this zero and get with a hero.” “Our findings suggest this short phrase has an almost […]
Tesla CEO Elon Musk faced immediate backlash for a gesture he made while addressing a crowd at a Donald Trump inauguration event, renewing attention to his past antisemitic remarks and his far-right beliefs. What do you think? “The left is always looking for ways to criticize Nazis.” Gustav Keser, Systems Analyst “He truly is a […]
