At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day
The post At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day appeared first on The Onion.
Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume
The post Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume appeared first on The Onion.
Labor Board Classifies ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants As Employees
The National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which it classified the show’s contestants as employees, opening a case that could have ripple effects across the reality television industry. What do you think? “So I should put ‘dating’ on my resume?” Steven Delaney, Commerce Enthusiast “As […]
Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount!
CHÂTEAU DE CHAMBORD—Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety, viscount! According to sources who hold a hallowed position within this palace, you must take hold of your senses […]
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Timothée Chalamet
Timothée Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknownbased on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film. The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you? Chalamet: I was definitely drawn to his characteristic raspy voice because it’s similar to mine when […]
Study: Few Bursts Of Vigorous Movement May Cut Women’s Heart Risks
A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help the heart, especially for women. What do you think? “I’m knitting as intensely as I can, okay?” Emma Tait, Soap Tester “Typical hula hoop propaganda.” Sam Ragsdale, Cheese Curder “Bet […]
‘Cultivate A Growth Mindset’ And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope
‘Cultivate A Growth Mindset’ And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope – The Onion Magazine Share Published: January 2, 2025 Explore The Magazine Read More
Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries
CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company’s products. “When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened,” said […]
Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating
CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. “In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job,” said Stambaugh, adding that […]
Man Injured Protecting Wife From Polar Bear
A man has sustained serious injuries after rescuing his wife who was ambushed by a polar bear in an early morning attack, leaping on to the animal to prevent an attack after the woman slipped to the ground. What do you think? “Only an asshole would interrupt a stranger’s meal like that.” Hamilton Scarola, Kale […]