The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by announcing “I’m gonna do a backflip” as soon as you arrive. Buy whatever supplement the doctors with podcasts are currently […]
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The United Kingdom indefinitely banned new prescriptions of puberty blockers to treat minors for gender dysphoria, with the announcement coming soon after the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving similar state bans on transition-related care. What do you think? “The government has no business denying people medicine. That’s the healthcare companies’ […]
VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. “You can’t walk the colonnade without passing a cluttered window display with a bunch of bongs and a painting of a […]
An unidentified disease with flu-like symptoms has killed dozens of people in the Democratic Republic of Congo, with unknown illness having led to the death of at least 79 people and sickened 376. What do you think? “Big deal, I’ve had flu-like symptoms since 2007.” Oscar Lewis, Memorabilia Appraiser “Why can’t a mysterious illness do […]
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WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to button their pants. “It should be a smooth effortless action that involves no protracted struggle to connect the […]
A man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted living facility with a chainsaw, with officers attempting to tase the man before eventually firing after he continued trying to attack others with the chainsaw. What do you think? “It’s just nice to have visitors.” Isaac Carrol, […]
CHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only Christmas present this year. “That was a really nice gesture and all, and they seemed […]
Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. […]
