Taco Bell opened a new concept restaurant in San Diego called the Live Más Café, featuring a beverage-centric menu that includes milkshakes, coffees, fruity iced drinks and a take on a dirty soda trend with its trademark Mountain Dew Baja Blast. What do you think? “Not sure I buy the concept of a café that […]
SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York Jets. “Sure, there are positives to having your child play football, but if my son […]
The Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after a stunning lightning-strike rout across the country. What do you think? “If he doesn’t learn to stand up for himself, they’ll never leave him alone.” Valerie Lorensson, Unemployed “I’m sure another country looking for an experienced dictator […]
MOSCOW—Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Which one is better—one or two?” said the former brutal dictator who had imprisoned, tortured, and killed tens of thousands of his own people and was now standing behind a phoropter as […]
Bitcoin topped $100,000 for the first time as a massive rally in the world’s most popular cryptocurrency, largely accelerated by the election of Donald Trump, rolls on. What do you think? “I don’t trust any currency I can’t bury in the yard.” Harold Swee, Pulley Specialist “See? Only a stable alternative to the dollar would […]
DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my family’s great honor to operate an authoritarian regime in this country for the past half century, and we never […]
President Joe Biden issued a “full and unconditional” pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses. 1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on […]
