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Comedy & Jokes

New ‘Odyssey’ Adaptation Criticized For Dropping Original’s Group Dance Scene Ending

  • December 7, 2024
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LOS ANGELES—Drawing widespread condemnation from classics scholars around the world, the new Odyssey adaptation The Return was criticized this week for dropping the original work’s group dance scene ending. “Homer’s decision to close his epic poem with a blowout ensemble dance number is essential to the story of Odysseus’ journey, and any adaptation that omits […]

Comedy & Jokes

Nation Tires Of Deals, Bargains

  • December 7, 2024
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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. “Just charge us full price, goddammit,” said Peter Nguyen, 43, echoing the sentiment of all 340 million Americans as he opened his wallet, removed a […]

Comedy & Jokes

Notre-Dame Reopened To Fire – The Onion

  • December 7, 2024
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PARIS—After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. “As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again,” said French President Emmanuel Macron, who credited the 2,000 masons, glassblowers, carpenters, and other craftspeople who worked on the UNESCO World Heritage […]

Comedy & Jokes

South Korean President Faces Impeachment After Declaring Martial Law

  • December 6, 2024
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South Korea’s President Yoon Suk Yeol faced parliamentary moves to impeach him after sending heavily armed forces into Seoul’s streets with his sudden declaration of martial law, harkening back to the country’s past dictatorships. What do you think? “If nothing else, hopefully this showed Yeol areas where he can improve for his next coup.” Jack […]

Comedy & Jokes

How Oklahoma Schools Are Incorporating The Bible Into Curriculum

  • December 6, 2024
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Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares some of the ways schools are changing their curriculum. Updating the periodic table of chemical elements to include […]

Comedy & Jokes

Nation’s Mumblers March On Washington Demanding Something Or Other

  • December 6, 2024
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WASHINGTON—With a half-whispered murmur of “Hey, hey, ho, ho, [inaudible] has got to [inaudible],” thousands of the nation’s mumblers marched on Washington Wednesday demanding something or other. “Obviously these people care enough to take to the streets in protest, but we can’t tell what exactly they’re fighting for because they refuse to enunciate,” said D.C. […]

Comedy & Jokes

Judge Delays Decision After Learning One Menendez Brother Always Lies, One Always Tells The Truth

  • December 5, 2024
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LOS ANGELES—Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers’ testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his decision Thursday in the resentencing of Lyle and Erik Menendez after learning that one brother always lies, and one always tells the truth. “Oh jeez, this is tough, and to make it even worse, they say I […]

Comedy & Jokes

UnitedHealthcare CEO Killed

  • December 5, 2024
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Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealth’s insurance unit, was fatally shot outside a Midtown Manhattan hotel in what police described as a “brazen” targeted attack by a gunman lying in wait for him. What do you think? “Yet another reason not to become too important at your job.” Elias Byne, Garlic Crusher “You come for […]