IRVINE, CA—Despite the fast food chain’s self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. “We’re stumped—we can’t think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beef at the moment,” said Nathan Chisholm, a disheveled-looking member of the Taco Bell product […]
A study published by University of Illinois-Chicago researchers found that advances in medical technology and genetic research are not translating into marked jumps in lifespan overall. What do you think? “Those smug redwood trees must love this.” Roberta Ward, Loom Instructor “I’m good with capping it around 40.” Stuart Dybala, Tally Counter “These researchers are […]
Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American families’ budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries. Make a list and stick to it unless Ben & Jerry’s is on sale, or you see those cream sandwich cookies you like. Stop feeding any children that […]
MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. “Oh jeez, if I’d known the guy’s apartment was this close, I never would’ve leaned on the horn and run all those […]
MANCHESTER, NH—Blasting the individual for barely shuffling his goddamn feet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn’t doing shit to help move the thing. “Why do I have to put in all the work while this fucking freeloader gets off easy?” said Hodges, adding that this […]
Francis Ford Coppola’s decades-in-the-making, self-financed epic Megalopolis flopped at the box office, earning only $4 million opening weekend despite the Godfather director spending $120 million of his own money. What do you think? “If he wanted people to see it, he should have just said so. We’re not mind readers!” Glen Roenicke, Startup Maven “I […]
Conspiracy theorists have taken to social media amidst a devastating hurricane season to promote false rumors that officials control the weather, with some claiming that Helene was an engineered storm to allow corporations to mine regional lithium deposits. What do you think? “Ridiculous. Everyone knows hurricanes are God’s way of punishing immorality.” Joel Hadfield, Dumpling […]
This Monday, the Supreme Court kicked off its new term. Here is a selection of some of the most consequential issues the court can be expected to rule on over the coming months. Metabolic disease as proof of citizenship: The Supreme Court will be reviewing the constitutionality of a new Louisiana bill requiring voters to […]
RICHMOND, VA—In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family’s group chat and adding a heart emoji to each message. “My phone was blowing up every 10 […]
Carnival Cruise Debuts Extravagant All-Inclusive Journey To Edge Of Earth – The Onion Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number. Read More
