MONTGOMERY, NJ—Touting faster relief from the symptoms of delirium common to women, Tylenol introduced a new extra-strength fainting couch Thursday for use by feverish consumers. “This fast-acting chaise longue promises instant relief from agonizing hysteria,” said Victoria Holmes, a spokesperson for Tylenol parent company Kenvue, adding that it was already the No. 1 doctor-recommended piece […]
VATICAN CITY—Saying the effort could bring the Lord’s message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. “The church teaches that God’s glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering […]
Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga star and sing in the jukebox musical Joker: Folie à Deuxthe sequel to the controversial 2019 Academy Award-winning movie. The Onion sat down with the actors to discuss collaboration, chemistry, and craft. The Onion: How would you describe your relationship on set? Gaga: We had this really playful chemistry on […]
SAN DIEGO—Appearing excited by a change of pace around the lab, researchers at the University of California, San Diego, reportedly laughed and cheered Friday as one of their perfectly preserved Neanderthal specimens regained consciousness and ran around shrieking after it was defrosted. “Releasing him from his cryochamber every so often is important to prevent loss […]
Earth will have a secondary “mini moon” for two months when an asteroid roughly the size of a school bus will become temporarily trapped in orbit by our planet’s gravitational pull. What do you think? “But we barely use the moon we’ve got.” Frank Quintana, Cider Taster “Sounds like a cool place to dump trash.” […]
Insiders from Donald Trump’s campaign report that the former president is once again preparing to challenge election results in the event of a loss. Here are some of the strategies the candidate and his team are considering deploying. Use the immunity idol he earned during the debates: The tiki-shaped totem gives Trump one chance to […]
CANTON, MA—Shining a light on the unsettling realities behind the foods we eat, a disturbing video shot by undercover activists and posted on YouTube Thursday reportedly shows workers at a Dunkin’ hatchery disposing of male donuts in an industrial grinder. “When a donut hatches at one of Dunkin’s production facilities, a professional donut sexer quickly […]
ASHEVILLE, NC—Saying he wished there was more he could do to help as he pointed out a clause that showed he didn’t have to, a representative from an insurance company explained to local residents Stan and Loretta Coleman on Thursday that their policy was voided the moment their house got wet. “Unfortunately, the coverage you […]
Organizers from Alaska’s Katmai National Park and Preserve were forced to delay their annual Fat Bear Week competition after a female contestant known as Bear 402 was killed by a fellow brown bear during a fight. What do you think? “Some bears aren’t cut out for the competitiveness of pageant life.” January Sanders, Beverage Insider […]
VALDOSTA, GA—Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by Hurricane Helene. “Please, hurry, we don’t have much time,” a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing after […]
