WASHINGTON—Hopelessly captivated by the animal’s cheerful energy and striking appearance, the U.S. populace reportedly converged upon a D.C.-area park Tuesday where sources confirmed that all 340 million Americans were vying for the approval of a cool dog. Several reports indicated the charismatic, carefree border collie, named Scout, was first spotted dashing across Georgetown Waterfront Park, […]
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SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in his pursuit of numbness with a third slice of pie. “I can still hear that voice in my head telling me to […]
Despite CDC recommendations that everyone get their shot by the end of October, less than half of American adults receive flu vaccines, with many refraining due to misinformation they encounter online. The Onion breaks down common myths about immunizations and how they really affect the body. MYTH: The flu shot is free. FACT: While the […]
Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last night’s demeaning spectacle, I doubt we can ever go back to Sharlene’s Bar without recalling the deep humiliation you brought upon us all. After tanking a Star Trek round with […]
SAVANNAH, GA—Having had no direct interaction with the man at any time during the process, local event planner Anna Callaway made it through one and a half years of preparations for a couple’s wedding without ever acknowledging the groom’s existence, sources confirmed Saturday. According to reports, Callaway never once made reference to a second person being […]
MONTGOMERY, AL—Calling it a “revolutionary way” to experience the full wrath of the carceral state, the Alabama Department of Corrections unveiled Friday a new Death Row Fast Pass that allows convicts to skip the line for executions. “With the amazing Death Row Fast Pass, inmates can zoom past all those condemned individuals in front of them […]
In these scary and uncertain times, community is more important than ever. And nothing brings a community together like a good old-fashioned chili cook-off! Whether you’re rich or poor, liberal or conservative, in perfect health or permanently disabled from the multiple gunshot wounds that nearly took your life, everybody can put their differences aside to […]
LOS ANGELES—Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man. “I knew I had to take drastic measures if I wanted to convincingly pass for a human man on screen,” said a now 5-foot-9, […]
