CHAPPAQUA, NY—Pressing her finger to the recently defeated candidate’s lips and urging her not to be afraid, a cloaked Hillary Clinton reportedly beckoned Kamala Harris to follow her into the woods Thursday morning. “Come, it’s time for you to join me beyond the pines—surrender yourself to the embrace of nature,” said the 2016 Democratic presidential […]
Donald Trump overcame four indictments, a criminal conviction, a finding that he was liable for sexual abuse, accusations of inciting an insurrection, and the bullet of a would-be assassin to be declared the winner of the 2024 presidential election, a shocking political comeback with massive consequences for the future of America. What do you think? […]
While there were some silver linings to the election this week, as female candidates across the country celebrated victories and reproductive rights were enshrined in several state constitutions, it’s the fear of what’s to come for abortion access nationwide that has many women anxiously purchasing the morning-after pill. In the last 48 hours, the morning-after […]
STEWARTSTOWN, PA—With Donald Trump decisively winning a second term as president, local sources reported this week that those tireless civil rights crusaders weren’t so smug now, were they? “This ought to shut up those self-satisfied supporters of civil rights for a while,” said Trump voter Henry Pluss, stressing that it was about time somebody put […]
Vice President Kamala Harris delivered what is expected to be her final speech of the 2024 presidential campaign cycle on Wednesday, formally conceding the election to former president Donald Trump from her alma mater of Howard University in Washington, DC. “The outcome of this election is not what we wanted, not what we fought for, […]
WASHINGTON—Calling on all Democrats to step up and donate in the wake of Donald Trump’s victory in the 2024 presidential election, a fundraising email sent out Wednesday by the Democratic National Committee pleaded for a donation of $20 to help cheer them up. “ATTENTION VOTERS: Kamala Harris and her fellow Democrats woke up this morning […]
Antrim: I think that if you look at your media appetite and you think about the election, there’s a whole side of things that you just never got. Like, this idea that Trump is down-the-middle… If you were reading The New York Times the last few weeks, it seems like Trump was deranged and about […]
Today’s Historic Front Page: November 6, 2024 – The Onion Share Published: November 6, 2024 Related Coverage Trending News Recent News Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number. Read More
This morning, like every other day, people across the United States of America will wake up and get dressed. But in the aftermath of the 2024 Presidential election—as people grapple with the ramifications of a second Donald Trump presidency—many Americans have to summon the strength to get out of bed, pull on some clothes, and […]
WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an increasingly bizarre coping mechanism, the deeply unwell Americans—regardless of their age, their cultural background, or what part of the […]
