Introducing How to date whena new series from Beth McColl which, full of personal anecdotes and practical advice, is here to help readers navigate the jungle that is the modern dating scene.
I’d entered and exited several serious relationships by the time I realised that it wasn’t necessary to be besties with all my partner’s mates. Until at least my mid-twenties I believed a perfect match had to extend beyond the two of us and also apply to the other people they were spending their lives with. Loving them wasn’t enough, I needed to be thrilled to see their weekend five-a-side team at the pub, to feel deep fondness for their school chums with inscrutable nicknames, to want to stay up late into the evening with their bestie monologuing about ayahuasca.
But no – I didn’t, and neither do you. Although it’s great when it happens naturally, it’s not a requirement that you love – or even like – the friends of the person you’re dating. But it can get complicated, of course, and when the bad feeling goes both ways, it can place an uncomfortable pressure on your relationship. It’s easy to vent about your annoying coworker or irritating uni coursemate to your other half, but feels near impossible when you have beef with someone they love like a brother.
My first piece of advice, then, is to gently interrogate your feelings and try to understand what’s driving your dislike. Maybe it’s that you don’t like the person your partner becomes when they’re around certain people. Perhaps you’re working with a bad first impression that you never re-evaluated. Ask yourself: are they genuine rotters, or are they just very different from your own group of friends? If the former, then you might need to take time to reflect on what this means for your relationship and why your partner keeps such terrible company – especially if they’re hanging around with people who harbour regressive prejudices. If that’s the case, it’s not your job to tolerate it. However, if it’s more of a mild personality clash, then understanding the ins and outs of this mismatch is key to working out how best to move forward.
Life is only so long, and you’re allowed to spend as much of it as possible with people who you actually respect and value and who feel the same towards you
Love is contained in actions, and one of those actions is trying to get to know the people in your partner’s life. If you can honestly say that you’ve done this – that you’ve shown up, been kind and curious and still find these people to be arseholes – you aren’t less loving for wanting to limit your time with them. Life is only so long, and you’re allowed to spend as much of it as possible with people who you actually respect and value and who feel the same towards you.
Another piece of advice I have is to steer clear of telling the whole truth. I say this as one of honesty’s number one fans. I love the stuff! Not only is it a morally sound way of living, but it also makes for a far easier life to tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Total honesty, though? That’s a fool’s game. And in the case of feeling like your partner’s mates are annoying and obnoxious and play Uno with egregiously stupid rules and have stupid moustaches, you can keep much of that to yourself without needing to feel guilty about lying to the person you love. It may be necessary, however, to acknowledge that there is a personality clash and though you’re still down to be a plus one at weddings and other key events, you’d prefer their quality time with you was separate to their quality time with them.
Through all of this, it’s important that you remember a great relationship doesn’t have to look like the perfect marriage of two friendship groups in sickness and in health until death do you part. In fact, having different friend groups can be a healthy boundary in a relationship. So long as your time with your partner is protected and sacred, then it’s fine if you head off with your pals and they head off with theirs.
Of course it can still be very painful to feel like your partner’s friends don’t like you, and a source of horrible anxiety to think they might be feeding that information back to them and endangering your relationship. Talking about this is hard, but I believe it’s key. With the wrong partner, it may sadly blow up into a row that their mates then immediately hear about in their group chat. But with a thoughtful and patient person, it needn’t be the end of the world. You can express your anxiety and feel heard and you can ask for privacy for certain parts of your relationship. All that really matters is how you are together and how you promise to protect one another from tricky dynamics. The rest is just noise.
